Becoming a Momma

So I've wanted to peg down my thoughts on becoming a mom for the last 4 months (4 months!! I can't believe I've been responsible for a little being for this long already!) - but (yes the same old adage/excuse) things have just gotten busy and dividing up my time takes more thought now than it once used to.

Tristan is 4 months old. I can't believe it. This little guy is now about 15 pounds and growing. Every day that passes makes me love him just that much more. So....instead of writing paragraphs on motherhood, here they are in point form. You may not agree with everything I have to say, but these are my honest reflections on my last 4 months as a mother.

- Unconditional love. My heart has so much love for this little being that it could burst at any time, but probably won't.
- 20 pounds of guilt. Someone mentioned this to me - I understand it now. There are days when I look at Tristan and although I am doing the best that I can for him, and all that I can, I still feel like I am not doing enough. I get twinges of feeling inadequate some days...although I know in his eyes I am the world to him.
- Appreciation. I now appreciate my mom (and my dad) SO much more. My parents always told me that I would understand once I had my own kids..now I do.
- Regret. It has only been four months, but in those four months, I have learned how my actions have truly affected my parents. Whether your own child means to or not, little things can be so hurtful...not that Tristan has done anything other than cry or fuss :D....so far.
- Overprotective-ness (if that's a word!). Dad...I get this now. I just want to spread my wings around Tristan and never let harm come to him.
- Reflection. No one can ever really answer why they want kids. I could never fully answer that question - just that I wanted a little being to care for and nurture and teach and love. There is so much joy to see a little bit of myself and/or Joe reflected in Tristan. There is also so much joy in seeing that he is also his own little guy.
- Adjustment. I knew having a child would be difficult, but I was unprepared for just how difficult it is. The difficulty, for me, lies in the lifestyle changes....and it's amazing how much sleep can have on this!
- Kid explosion. It is a wonder to see our house, cars, purses, etc. explode with kid stuff. I imagined having a child, but never did I imagine seeing a jolly jumper window shade on my car. :D
- LOVE. Have I mentioned this yet?! lol. I love everything about Tristan - from the growing hairs on his head down to the little long toes, to the fast growing fingernails to his little laugh, to his bright eyes and bright warm smile. His big smiles lead me to believe that he will grow up to have a big heart. There is nothing more joyous or can make me tear up than seeing him, seeing the recognition in his eyes, and then his face lighting up in a big smile...and with that big smile usually comes a body jiggle or something. My heart could explode.

And so....this begins my (our) journey.

xo, M